When things go wrong…


I had a disheveled morning on this Summer Friday.

The Express bus route that I take todos los dias [roughly translated, “every day”] was shortened due to budget cuts, leaving me off 23 blocks too soon, and messing up the times it usually arrives.

I would leave my house at 8:30am, getting to the stop just in time to get the bus. Now when I leave my house at 8:30am, I wait at the stop for a good 20 minutes [as opposed to a bad 20 minutes]

Sidenote: this reminds me of when I was an intern here [at the TV production company where I now work], and I told  my friend/fellow-intern Rebecca, that I had asthma. She looked at me and said, “Is it bad asthma” and I replied, “Well it ain’t the good asthma.”  We laughed for days, we laughed for weeks, we were featured on the news show 60 Minutes because we couldn’t stop laughing [like that child who couldn’t stop sneezing]. I hope you aren’t offended by my use of the word “ain’t”. I used to substitute the word “ain’t” for “is not” as a means of rebellion against society.

I awoke at 8am and showered. I walked downstairs and found my dad leaving the house saying, “I’ll be in the car”. I began my search for 5.50 dollars in change to ride the express bus. I usually fill up my metro card with up to 45 dollars but lost my debit card last week and haven’t been able to buy a new one.

Sidenote: I cancelled my debit card after “misplacing” it. I figured it was somewhere in my purse, or on my dresser, or in the middle of the “A Memoir of Kathy Griffin” book I own. Alas, I had no luck finding it. The day I cancelled it, I ate dinner at Nakata [an awesomely cheap sushi restaurant on Richmond Road that is mad delicious], and when I walked in, the Maitre d’ lady looked at my sister and said, “You left your debit card here last time“. She handed us the card and everyone shook their head at me. “I get it“, I thought, “I’m a failure in life.” I’m only joking. But this is the 3rh or 4th time I’ve “misplaced” my card within the year.

The Maitre d’ reassured me “We did not use your card“. When I checked my account online however, I did notice there was 400 dollars worth of seaweed purchased two days prior. I need to look into that.

The search for change continued. I looked in my purse, gathering 2.50 in dimes and nickels. I then sprinted upstairs to my room and grabbed all the coins I could find. I ran back downstairs as my semi-sleeping mother yelled, “Look in my purse”. I found her purse and now had about 3.75. [I also took at 10 dollar bill, thanks Mom] I went into the car only having 4.25. I was hoping my dad has spare change in his car. He had about ten cents. I ran back into the house and grabbed two sets of car keys to search our other cars. It came to a point where all I needed was ten cents. I found myself in the kitchen and made eye contact with the green change jar that sits on the counter. I smacked my hand on my head, because I TOTALLY FORGOT we had a change jar, where I usually get change from.

Sidenote: I did not really “slap my head” when I realized I forgot to look in the change jar. I said I slapped my head because it sounded more dramatic.

I made it to the bus stop and the bus was in sight. Perfect timing. I spilled the change into the machine and somehow had 70 extra cents.

I read the James Patterson “1st to Die” book [A women’s murder club novel] until I got into the city when I called “Bank of America” to activate my debit card. WHAT A PROCESS. It was all automated until they transferred me to an operator where she talked my ear off and convinced me to get  an “identity theft protection plan”. I put that in quotes, because it’s really a, “Get more money from our customers plan”. It was one dollar for the first thirty days [not bad] but then 12.95 a month after that. I told her no at first, but her voice was so chipper and she continued to convince me how I absolutely needed this protection plan. I wasn’t nice to her. I had an attitude. She said, “Can I charge you a dollar” and I said, “Yesssssssss”, as if I were a teenager in angst talking to my parents.

Why did I give in to her, I later found myself asking. I was SO ANNOYED. If I cancel the plan before the 30 days I will not be charged the 12.95 a month. Knowing me though, I will forget to do it. I don’t want to cancel it yet because I might as well get my dollars worth.

I got off the bus as the woman was continuing to talk saying, “let me tell you more about identity theft plan”. I said, “I’m sorry but I’m about to go into the subway, I can’t talk”.

[DRAMATIC REENACTMENT]

I slipped in the newly activated debit card into the metro card machine and received a message that said “card cannot be read, do you want to try again?”. I tried again. I heard the subway approaching the stop. I looked at, and made eye contact with the man who sits behind the glass. I saw him mouth, “LO siento muchachaaaaa.” I looked in my purse and found an old metro card. I walked to the entrance and slid the card through. “Please swipe this turnstyle again”. I did. “Please swipe at this turnstyle again.” I did. It worked. I got on the R train and headed to work.

I forgot to eat breakfast, which believe me, never happens. If you don’t believe me, then sleepover my house for a month and observe my habits.

I talked to Maryellen on the phone as I walked from the subway to Starbucks, where I purchased a “Tall iced chai tea, light ice”. I switched to the smallest size to watch my figure. Yet I am having a chicken gyro for lunch [which was absolutely delicious]. Maryellen found out she got a job at Crumbs, a cupcake store in the city. I am so proud of her. She also woke up at 4:30am today to see this past season’s American Idol contestants perform for “Good Morning America”. She told me in depth details about the show, but little does she know, like Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana, I am Becky Krause and Crystal Bowersocks. Think about it. It makes sense. It ALL MAKES SENSE. MWAHAHAHAH MWAHAHAHAH MWAHAHAHA.

Of course I change my last name for security purposes. I wonder why I chose Jenkins.

**I must give credit to Maryellen who inspired me with the bowersocks/jenkins idea. You go gurl.

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2 thoughts on “When things go wrong…

  1. “I forgot to eat breakfast, which believe me, never happens. If you don’t believe me, then sleepover my house for a month and observe my habits.” <— i effing love you and your becky-isms. i'm also completely FLOORED by this revelation that you are crystal. truly, everything in my life does make absolute sense now. like that time i saw mommy kissing santa clause.

  2. ummm i was totes mcgotes at that GMA concert for the idols. lee is perfect and Maryellen is such a Tim fan … even post-highlites. its bizarre.
    btw love your blog. you are quite the witty one!

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