A Cupcake the Size of my Head


Here is me from the past 20 days. It’s weird how life just passes by and every day I come to work. 

I have officially stopped drinking iced chai tea from Starbucks and started drinking orange juice [without pulp] Even saying the word pulp grosses me out and frankly, makes me feel embarrassed. The smallest size iced chai tea from Starbucks cost me $4.02 a day. An orange juice costs me $1.79 a day. Not only will I save over 2 million dollars over a years time, but I will probably never get sick again.

I lost my blackberry two days ago. I left work, called my mother on it, put it in my bag, then jogged to the subway. I got on the 2 line, stood up, read for ten minutes, and when I sat down, it was not in my bag. There are five things that could have happened: 1) It fell out of my bag as I was jogging 2) I thought I put it into my bag but really just dropped it on the floor 3) It fell onto the tracks and was crushed to a flat pancake by the 7 ton train 4) I was pick pocketed by a thief 5) A witch froze time, snuck into my purse, and stole my phone for personal gain [shoutout to the show “Charmed” on the WB]

Alas, I have no phone. I asked the subway attendant if anyone returned a blackberry and he shook his head. He didn’t shake his head to say “no” he was just like shaking his head, while rocking out to musack [music]. This got my hopes up. He took off his headphones and said, “Hey smooth lady- what can I do for you?” I repeated my inquiry and he said “Nahh child. Peace out”.

Today I had the intent of entering the NYPD police station in Times Square to inquire about my phone, but I got too nervous when I approached the glass door and saw 5 cops standing around. Was it silly to go in and ask about my phone? Was I bothering them? Would they get suspicious of me because I was wearing a packback? I mean backpack. I about faced and headed towards work.

I slept at my friend Maryellen’s last night and commuted to work this morning via the 6 train then Shuttle to Grand Central. Sweat was dripping down my forehead during the commute due to the humidity and the mass amount of people. I played in a work-department softball game around 145th street and Riverside Drive. My co-workers and I headed there after work.

I don’t recall ever being in this part of town but I liked it. We had to walk over a bridge.

I looked over and saw another bridge in the distance. I’m not sure which bridge it is. Do you know?

Then we had to walk down stairs, and when I looked toward the field, I saw a strange sight. A giant man, or should I say man-giant, was stomping toward us and grinning as if he wanted to befriend us, the weary/sweating/famished travelers.

It turns out the man-giant’s name was Carlton McPhearson Bigfoot the third, which is ironic in more ways than three. He was the umpire for the game. Afterwards, he let our whole team sit on his foot and took us for a ride throughout the park. What a wonderful surprise!

We lost the game by about 19 points, but still had a good time. I had three out of three hits but only got onto base once. My team hung out after the game and hit around. It was mad fun. We took a picture for next season’s brochure.

Chris, Justin, and I met Maryellen at a diner. I had grilled cheese and french fries- but I did NOT eat the french fries because I have banned them from my life for the time being. We departed from the men and Maryellen and I went back to her apartment where she revealed to me a man-made miracle…

It was a cupcake…the size of MY HEAD literally- and I don’t use the word literally loosely. Maryellen’s hands began to move as if she were Edward Scissorhands. I could hear air swifting and whifting every time she sliced the knife.

It fell into pieces.

I was so full before we went to bed- but man, it was worth it. The cupcake was giant sized. So giant sized that I called up my new friend Carlton Mcphearson Bigfoot the third and invited him over. He couldn’t fit in the apartment, ate the cupcake in one bite, and ended up stepping on Maryellen’s toe and breaking it…but I can use it as a great conversation starter. Cha-Chinggg.

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