Advice From a Baby


I met this baby in the back of a small shop in Colorado. It [I couldn’t tell if it were a girl or boy] gave me really good advice.

Here is some knowledge that I left with:

1) Never leave your drink unattended. The baby told me about a time it left it’s bottle of milk on the counter. The next thing it knew, it was fast asleep for hours, drooling. It’s mother had slipped a children’s Benadryl tablet into the drink.

2) Don’t spend life killing time. Be a pacifist and celebrate life…and teething rings.

3) Always order the buffalo chicken wrap when it is “Buffalo Chicken Wrap Day” in the cafeteria. The baby told me to do this because it was “both of our favorites”. [This is when I realized it was a compulsive liar. It can’t eat buffalo chicken wraps because it has no teeth yet.]

4) Nine words you should never say before breakfast. Don’t. Can’t. Shouldn’t. Wouldn’t. Hate. Why. Naptime. Bathtime. No. [only when responding to the question, “Can I have a cookie?”]

5) Use “Pet” names to say I love you. Call your partner nicknames such as:  AngelFace, HoneyChild, CutiePie, PoodlePie, ApplePie or even Aretha Franklin. [The baby was so smart!!!]

I told the baby I had to go get a javachip frappachino from Starbucks. The small human told me to contact it if I ever had any reruns of The Munsters TIVOed. I asked it, “Did you really need to specify reruns? They don’t make new episodes of the show anymore.” The baby started to cry and kick its feet. I turned around but first said, “I hope your teeth never grow in”. My sister and I left the store.

I felt really bad about how I left it with the baby. I was jealous of it– living the life of a baby and all. When we got back home after our trip, I sent some dvds of The Munsters to that store in Colorado. I imagine the babeski will get it, but I can’t be certain it is still there. It might have been purchased off the shelf…or learned to walk.

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