Today is Tuesday. November 9th. 10:17AM. It will never be that moment again. I have acknowledged that. I am listening to Animal by Miike Snow. If I ever meet him, I would ask him why he spells his name with two “ii”‘s. Then I will ask him if his favourite season is winter. Then I will tell him that I spell “favourite” as if I were a British Lady.
This is my 100th Blog post. Release the balloons. Set off the fireworks over the ocean. Cue the PS 22 choir accompanied by the chorus of 700 soul singers.
To celebrate, my new work friends and I went out for a drink after work. Literally, we split one drink between us all. Here is a picture of us before we left.
I was pretty stiff after standing like this for 15 hours. First I stretched my knees. Then my elbows. Then I used my oil can. I have an oil can, like the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz. [Are you supposed to underline the title of a movie? I should know this, considering I’m a television and english major.] You should have seen us all walking through the mall. We first stopped at the Picture Palace to get professional photos taken of the two children…then I got my hair done in an old-lady’s up-do at the salon next to Macy’s [They used AquaNet Hairspray]…then we all high-fived each other. Which was quite the spectacle considering they had to detach their elbows to do so.
As we were leaving the mall and approaching the glass doors in the make-up department of Macy’s, my work friends hauled to a stop. “We can’t leave the mall property”, said Chrysalis [the “woman” in the white coat] She then took off her arm and threw it, knocking over an Estee Lauder carrying case with lotions, scarring a perfume sprayer causing her to squirt perfume in my eye.
“FATHER OF THE BRIDE”, I screamed in agony. It was as if I had been pepper-sprayed with three gallons of pure acid. With my one good eye, I glanced at my plastic friends. I glanced at the security guards who were barreling towards us. I glanced at the security camera that was taping our every move. I pulled my secret spy dart gun out of my pocket, aimed at the camera’s circular lens, and with a “pop”, I hit it spot on, blacking out the image so no one would see what was about to happen.
“Everyone, hop on my back”, I told them. Little Johnny and Little Sally [so weird how they have the same first name and first names as last names] hopped on my back, followed by the rest of my friends. I took big strides out the door, holding my eye…well holding my hand to my eye– my eye didn’t actually fall out.
We didn’t make it out of the parking lot before I was tripped over a twig- a silly little measly twig- and fell, dismembering parts of everyones body’s. I left them there, hoping a little boy or girl would find them and love them the way I did. I comforted myself with a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks.
I went home and my roommates [my mother and sister] were watching The Wizard of Oz. It was the part when Dorothy first discovers the Tin Man and he can’t move and is saying from the side of his mouth, “oil can”…”oil can”. I cried like a baby in the middle of the night.
This 100th post is dedicated to them…and me, because I’m awesome.