I drove on I-95 this morning hungover. There, I admitted it. Go ahead and judge. Make an opinion about me from the facts I just presented; which is just a fancier way of saying judging. I try to impress people with my scholarly word usage.
Last night I partook in the celebration of my friend Laura’s 24th birthday. I drank two too many Gingerale and Vanilla Vodkas.
To clarify, I was not in any way drinking and driving. I was just hungover and driving. Now that that clarification was taken care of, I will continue on with the story.
On the absolutely rare occasions when I am hungover [I’m talking once ever 17 years], I think everything is really funny.
Here are some weird thoughts I had while driving:
1. I was adding numbers in my head and confusingly questioned, “Is money measured like time?” For example, an hour is equal to 60 minutes. If it was 3 o’clock, after 60 minutes pass, it would be 4 o’clock. [Disregard previous statement if you tamper with time portals] I thought, “Wait a minute, does one dollar turn to two after 60 cents?”
2. I saw about 4 signs that read, “Bridge Freezes Before Road” and COULD NOT for the leg of me, figure out what that meant. Meaning, if a lumberjack held a chainsaw to my calf and asked me, “What does that sign mean?”, I would be soon be rockin’ crutches.
3. I kept thinking how bizarre it is that I have a blog. “That is so weird I write in a blog every day,” I thought. “There is a website that I write about my life and people read it. That’s so strange.”
4. I thought about how recently I was talking on the phone with my sister. She didn’t think one of my jokes was funny, so I called her stupid. She hung up on me. I don’t really think she is stupid. I think she is a genius.
5. I want to start another blog with the sole theme of Pajamas I wear. I sport colorful and mismatched clothes to bed. The whole blog would be pictures of me in different PJs. [abbreviation for Pajamas]
6. Wouldn’t it be funny if a woman wanted to become a man…but not just any man, an Orthadox Jew.
7. Lastly, I thought about how yesterday I was driving through Elizabeth, New Jersey. I was stopped at a red light. I saw 15 Mexican children, ranging in ages from 5-18, standing on the front lawn. They were waving to cars passing by. No one waved back. As I passed them, I gave a gigantic wave- really fast, big waves, back and forth. I excitedly smiled with my mouth open. The kids went WILD!! I heard them cheering for blocks. I felt like I did a good deed.
Getting out of the car, I stuck my hand in my pocket and found 5 Pretzel Nuggets. chaCHING.