Today I found out I was elected Mayor of Times Square in New York City. I was washing my hands in the pantry when I heard the news. All New Yorkers’ names were put into a hat. Mine was pulled out at random. They had a photo shoot for me today. [See Below]
1. Set up HUMONGOUS speakers that will constantly blast the song, “I Believe I can Fly”
2. Free Bagel Tuesdays [self-explainatory]
3. Free Chicken Fingers Thursdays [self-explainatory]
4. Free Pork Chop Saturdays [needs explanation]
5. Every store will let me shop for free.
6. Times Square should now be referred to as “The Square”
7. The Square will be filled with jugglers, acrobats, and two headed men [no two headed women]
8. I will throw dollar bills from the rooftop on the first Wednesday of every month. They will all be unknowingly counterfeit.
9. There will be a parade in my honor Every Single Morning [during the work week]. I will sit in a bulletproof glass cube and be carried over the heads of local hobos.
10. The walls of the tallest building will be turned into a rock climbing wall. Pedestrians can climb the rocks, but there are no harnesses provided. I can’t promise you won’t fall to your death.
11. Hitchhiking will be made legal.
12. Jumping Rope will be made illegal.
13. I will have The Square to myself whenever I want. [Do Not have to give notice]
14. Free Balloon Sunday Fundays.
15. After two weeks, I will delegate my responsibilities to my co-worker Jenny L. because I am too lazy to be Mayor. I can still get free things from all stores though…and distribute counterfeit money.