Nitrous OxSide-Bang


I need a haircut.

Look how long my bang is getting.

It’s not even a bang, it’s an eye shade.

The eye shade blocks harmful light from my precious eye.

I sat in the dentist’s chair this weekend for an 8:30am appointment. 6 of my teeth needed sealants. Sealants fill in deep grooves on molars to prevent cavities.

The light above the reclined patient’s chair would have blinded my eyes if it wasn’t for my eye shade.

Thank goodness for the long bang that blocks my eye.

I held my left hand over the other eye. The eye that wasn’t fortunate enough to be protected by an eye shade.

The dentist charged $150 per sealed tooth. I needed 6 teeth sealed.

6 x $150= $900

I could have brought an IPad. Or a small puppy. Or I could have adopted a free puppy and kept the $900.

The dentist put me on laughing gas, sweet sauce, Johnny-be-good juice as they call it on the streets.

I had never been on the stuff before. He adorned my nose with a pink rubber apparatus that resembled both a human heart and pig nose.

I breathed in the air. It smelt like bubble gum. I was curious to see what the effects would have on my mind. I thought of handing the dental assistant my Iphone and asking her to record a video of me coming out of the laughing gas. I had hopes of it turning into a viral youtube video like this one.

Being on laughing gas made me feel happy and drunk. I laid in the chair silent. I did not say one word unless the dentist asked me a question. Which I would make some kind of noise that resembled a “yes” or “sounds good”.

The dentist and hygienist, who looked about 19 years old, had a long conversation about “Rock of Ages”. The play vs. the movie.

“Get a room,” I thought of saying in an annoyed way. Just because it would have been ridiculous.

I did not say it.

“Did you see ‘Rock of Ages’? the dentist asked. I realized he was talking to me.

“Unh uh,” I said to convey that I had not seen it, “ut aye hih-her id.” (“No, but my sister did.”)

I thought it would be hilarious if I pulled the dentist’s face close to mine and kissed him.

I did not do that.

“I’m going to put you on oxygen now,” the dentist told me.

“Ok,” I said. (“OK)”

Slowly, I became sane-headed again as the Johnny-be-good left my brain cells.

He finished working on my teeth, made sure they felt good, then left the room while saying, “Nice to see you.” He left so quickly. I thought we would at least finish talking about “Rock of Ages” now that I could form syllables. “Oh ok, bye,” I said, “Thank you.”  I smiled at the dental assistant who stood up and walked out of the room.

I walked to the receptionist’s desk. She is a really nice middle-aged short haired brunette woman. I had to cancel the appointment three times and she never got mad at me like I expected her to. I paid the $900 medical bill in pennies. She still didn’t get mad.

“I won’t see you soon,” the receptionist said with a smile, “hopefully you will be all set.” I assumed she was referring to my teeth when she said “Hopefully you will be all set.” Or maybe she was referring to an inheritance I will once day receive. I’m not sure.

I walked towards the exit, past the Sega Genesis video game machine, past the gymboree climbing tower, then picked out a fake ruby ring, a plastic airplane, and a pencil from the prize bin.

I’m 24 years old.

I still go to my pediatric dentist.

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